chaos

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applying to US universities is a pain.

really, why can't they make it simple!? Like the Aussies? or the New Zealanders? or even the Malaysians! I think the process is less painstaking almost everywhere else.

Teacher recommendations?!?! Counsellor Report?! School Report?! My ranking?!?! All have to be in PAPER?! My freakin' teachers are in bloody Singapore! at the OTHER end of the causeway!!!! All the phone calls to them busy, BUSY teachers cost me a bomb. And all the time I have to be nice. Real nice. I need them to say nice things bout me.

SATs?! TOEFL?!?! The registration fee itself is already sky-high. And now they charge to send to each institution. Mommy screamed at the sight of her credit card bill, the ones that had to do with collegeboard.com... every thing is x3.6 damnit. And the application fee!! USD 70 for cornell and northwestern each. I've GOT to get the scholarship now. Just to compensate for the while application and registration nightmare. Bloody daylight robbery.

Financial Forms?!! GOD HELP ME.

How on earth am I supposed to prove that I have USD 75,000 on deposit?! Mommy doesn't even have one third of that amount, not even in Ringgit!! Curse the exchange rate.

Had to ask my aunt. I admit. She's been nice about it. But I hate it. Hate the feeling of having to depend on others. Can't stand the niceties anymore. All year I've but said 'Hi auntie!' during family gatherings and now I've suddenly joined in the conversation, or at least tried to, just to be nice. Smile, when she thinks out loud that I'm too ambitious. AMBTIOUS?! (That's probably the nicest of what she's thinking bout me. Sorry I'm just not a relatives kind of person. I believe relatives are judgemental. They can't help it. It's like in their nature to be judgemental) Chuckles. I applied to the worst of the ivies and almost all others I applied to are state universities. 4 of which their names have barely been heard around here before. AMBITIOUS. THIS IS CERTAINLY NOT AMBITIOUS. AMBITIOUS is applying to Princeton only and expecting to get accepted.


That aside, she got me those letters. Stupid Standard Chartered. They could've signed the stupid forms and saved me the time and the 125 RINGGIT! gosh. 25ringgit for one stupid letter in place of those signatures that should've been on the forms. And they wouldn't even write it right. The universities got it and spit it back. Now I've gotta beg my aunt to beg them to at least put the stupid amount on letter. Its either that or show that she has at least USD 75,000 on deposit. I'm going nuts.

I should've applied to need-blind universities. Then again I'm hoping for an open scholarship that'll give USD 14K per year max, just bout enough to foot less than half of the tuition fee at these universities, let's not even start with the living costs.

What bout the Bank Negara Scholarship?! My 2nd uncle insists that I try out for that. Full scholarship to the university of my choice anywhere in the world. Ah, but nothing's free in this world right? There's a bond, but of course. Maybe it's worth it. Maybe I'll just go there for the experience and give up any thought of possibly working there.

And what if all else fails?!

Singapore?! NUS?! I don't think I did well enough in A-Levels to get into Business. I seriously don't think so. Gut feeling. Logically speaking as well.

Horrible prospect. Maybe I should've stayed in HELP.

Besides, NUS is not cheap. Mommy has to sell her shares anyhow. Dad can but watch and help by sustaining himself with his pay. Debts to pay. Stupid shoplot. God how I wish we were rich.

AND WHEN ARE THE RESULTS COMING OUT?!

2nd of March?! The initial plan was to go back to take my results and stay there to work til July or August. The intial plan was to get a place to stay with carmen and someone else and find a job and earn singapore dollars. The initial plan was to get over the oldham hall idea since the management didn't even bother to interview me.

And now the initial plan is screwed up. Sorry, it's beyond screwed.

I have my driving test on 5th of March here in KL. And I might not even pass. There's hope now, also, that I can get that trip to Japan with the LIONS club that I should've gone on a year ago. Now they're saying I have to host again, but maybe not. I could just go straight to Japan in May. And the stupid AIG Scholarship people. Only shortlisted applicants will be notified. WHEN?! WHERE?! There's not even a proper website to know things. And the chances of me getting this scholarship are so slim I try not to think about it. Anyway if, by any chance I get shortlisted for an interview, the freakin' interview's gonna be HERE! IN KL. And what bout all the stupid university stuff. I've gotta change my mailing address. And as if the chaos wasn't enough Ms. Mag opened up another possibilty at the worst possible time, asking me if I'm up for the AHM interview. And my parents, they'd be worried sick. Calling me every 5 minutes to make sure my application is done, or that I have vegetables to eat.

ARRRGH. I've never consistently been in such a bad temper before. (HMM, grammatical error there). You know what I mean lar. I'm being mean to people around me. Even to my brother, who amazingly, has been nice all this while. Guess the roles have been reversed, my turn to be the troubled rebellious child, the one that needs attention. Mommy called me 'needy' the other day. Needy is what I am now I guess.



I just want to do what I want to. But I just can't and I know it but I can't get over it.

Life's a bitch.

At least right now it is.