first post of 2007.

so this is the first post of 2007.

Sorry for the long absence, and thanks to those who still come and visit my blog. Sorry for the disappointment and everything. It wasn't that I had nothing to blog about, I mean the Primer's Challenge camp was surprisingly fun, I missed my bus ride home, and braved the floods to come home for Christmas this year...

the uni and scholarship applications are driving me CRRRAAAAZZZYYY!!! If I have to fill in one more form or write one more admission essay, pretending I know for sure what I want in 10 years time, I'll be one step closer to pulling all the hair out of my head, the whole highlighted part of my crowning glory. grrr.

anyway, I've been thinking a lot, and talking much less these days.

I feel lost.

Actually I've felt lost for longer than I thought. Even way before coming home to malaysia.

For a number of reasons actually.

I have no idea what is in store for me this coming year and I feel horrible to think that my fate is in the hands of some scholarship or uni admission selection committee board guy at the other end of the world in the US. But looking at the big picture again, I know my fate is ultimately in His hands, it'll all be settled, but its just killing me to have to live in uncertainty grr.

That aside, I don't know where my life is heading.

"When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me.... Hey sarah sarah, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, hey sarah sarah..."

Poor Sarah. Grr. Poor me.

I'm going to be 19 this year! My last year of being a teenager. I don't have many years left here. More than ever I feel like time is against me. Haha, its a little like mid-life-crisis coming early i guess.

Yet I'm still sitting at home, doing my online uni applications, drowning my troubles in TV and food (man, i've been eating non-stop), and thinking a lot, except for the occassional outing with friends where I talk unusually a lot.

Honestly, I have nothing I'm really good at. And the things I used to have passion for, well, I'm just having second thoughts.

I feel numb. Apathetic. Dull. Whatever you call it.

I'm just going with the flow.

The scary thing is, I'm getting really comfortable just going with the flow. I never used to be like that.

I want to be myself but I'm not sure who I am, who I REALLY am.

On a lighter note, I've realised the these people at StarWorld magically know about what I'm going through and showed TV Programs about people who are searching for themselves too. Haha, no lar, I guess this is a universal thing people go through this kinda thing all the time i guess.

Just like Ed (in Ed) said in today's episode, " I'm nothing but a blip in the universe". A blip. Just a small blip in the radar of eternity on earth. I know, life on earth is temporary; but we've gotta make it count don't we?

Well good for Ed anyway, he found his legacy, designing his own tombstone that said this about himself, "Life was his art". Beautiful. (:

So anyway, I haven't made any new year resolutions this year, other than this one, "I will search, and find myself".

God, please help me.

So its goodbye to Survival of the Little Scrub . That went well by the way, I think I did more than survive, thank God. I've changed my blog name to The Search for the Little Scrub.

So it's a new day tommorrow. I'll be going for my first ever UNDANG course (driver's theory course). Finally man. Haha. I feel bad having to hitch a ride from all of my friends, I really do. It's a start. Who knows, I might be a talented driver heh, blazing the roads smoothly in no time. ;)

Oh and happy new year to you all. :)