Reflections.

I've been here for almost 7 months now.

For those of you who have been keeping up with facebook, you'll know that it's been quite an adventure. Whole new setting, whole new place, starting life from scratch.

Looking back now, so much has happened and changed, so much so that I don't think I'll be able to report it all, not even in 239,485 blogposts. Okay maybe I can. But that's not the point.

Ever since I left Singapore at the end of 2006 til now, I've been living life by the day. There's been a profound change in my beliefs which I won't go into detail now. Life's been good but I must admit, looking back now, at that point onwards, life hasn't been spectacular, or seemingly as fulfilling as it has been before. I know, however, that it is not due to the change in beliefs, rather it is a sort of wishful complacency that the grass is greener on the other side.

Well, honestly, in most aspects, the grass really is greener on this side. But life is no better. I remembered spending the first half of 2007 dreaming, anticipating a totally different life when I would board that plane myself and venture to a seemingly better place. At first, I admit, I was really caught up in the newness of it all. The apparent warmth and hospitality from strangers, the excitement of quintensential american college life, all the different cultures. I made it a point to be adventurous. And I did a pretty good job during the last semester in Fall 2007, I must say.

And then in the midst of all the activities I put myself in I realized there was a lack of something. Having had a new perspective on things I knew what it was. i lacked the enthusiasm I used to have in facing each new day, the optimism, and admittedly some of the happiness I was known to possess. I lacked compassion for people I used to be proud to have. And mostly that strive for (or at the least, attempt at) excellence.

Two things I just realized happened as a result. One: I've been living in mediocrity for a long time now. Comfortable and complacent. (Being here doesn't make things any easier since studies here are a breeze compared to singapore stuff) Failure has made me avoidant instead of stronger. Small successes gave me a false sense of security and kept me there. Two: I ruined many of the important relationships, friendships etc that I once held dear. And this I realized at the same point that I realized that that's the stuff life is really about. Been out of touch for too long now, drifted apart. For some of these relationships it's already too late, things won't be quite the same anymore. And it doesn't help being here alone. It's true what they say, "it's easy to make friends with and American, but it's difficult to find an American friend". Actually, it applies to almost everyone you meet here. Reality never does live up to your imagination, does it.

Tonight I realized that in many aspects, I've been alone for a long time now. So its time to act.

Time to ask and answer myself honestly what I want with this life, and go for it with all the enthusiasm and energy I used to have. I need to keep learning about the world. Stop missing who I used to be, accept the changed me and move on. Go all out to save important friendships and relationships. Maintain and deepen those precious, valuable ones I have now. Appreciate people more.

That's what I'm gonna do, that's what I have to do.