reality check.

"Lord of all creation,
of water earth and sky,
the Heavens are your tabernacle,
glory to the Lord on high

God of wonders beyond our galaxy,
you are holy, holy,
the universe declares our majesty,
you are holy, holy.

Lord of heaven and earth,
Lord of heaven and earth...

Early in the morning,
I will celebrate the light,
When i stumble in the darkness,
I will call your name by night,

God of wonders beyond our galaxy,
you are holy, holy,
the universe declares your Majesty,
you are holy, holy....

Lord of Heaven and earth,
Lord of heaven and earth.

Hallelujah, to the Lord of heaven and earth...

Precious Lord reveal your heart to me,
you are holy, holy,
the universe declares your majesty,
holy, holy, holy"

God of wonders - Third day

In this blogpost i will attempt with all my might to reflect HONESTLY on my walk with God since i got here.

Last year when i came to Singapore i was excited for one thing: I could start my life all over again in a place where few knew me. I decided to dedicate this new life to God, to doing His works.

Aaron (woon) told me that there is a church here called City Harvest which is apparently a VERY VERY good church. Too bad it's so far. THen, by God's divine grace i guess, i met jing jie and he brought me to CHC. First svc i admit - i was in awe. I have yet to see such passion, such energy packed in a relatively small church space 4 floors down in the basement. You'd think it started on ground level and them youth church goers were the ones who jumped and praised God and drove it 4 floors down into the ground. Haha. There was such fire. Huizhen, the cell group leader welcomed me and so did e314 (my cell group). And it was CHC all the way.

I was so pumped up i jumped at every opportunity to serve God. So excited with my new bible reading plan, it felt as though i was born again, again. It takes me 1 hour to get from my hostel to church, and another 1 to huizhen's house for cell group but it all felt worth it.

I wanted to join ODAC (Outdoor Activities Club) but i heard the commitment level required was really high so i opted for a milder version - the Boys' Brigade (and it's a christian uniform group all the better!). It didn't matter that BB was considered an external CCA.

Everything was just rosy (aside from the homesickness). I was still the new girl in class, and i felt really out of place in a school that was so boring it made me cry (literally). The only thing keeping me in Singapore is church (no understatement there).

I grew (spiritually) like never before. Let's just say CHC really imposes spiritual discipline (which is good). I grew in that half a year faster than i ever grew in my life. I was praying and reading the bible and being touched by God constantly.

Met this guy daniel at a BB leadership course. Barely knew him but he seemed friendly enough so i brought him to church!He brought a friend, samuel, too. I prayed for him, e314 did too. We wlcomed them, did the follow ups and was hoping for God them to be saved. For weeks they came to church when we asked them and it all seemed like it would work.

The promo exams were drawing near and being 5 months behind everyone else it was really against the odds that i would do well enough to stay here. I prayed and prayed even more. I was really close to my cell group mates. e314! encouragement letters here n there. It seemed so easy to pour out my emotions and thoughts on paper and share with others all the time. Nearly every week at cell group i raised my hand to share a testimony.

God is good he gave me all Bs for my promos, way better than what was required for me to stay here. And i took it as an assurance of what God has in store for me.

After promos I had an opportunity to help organise an evangelistic BBQ. Teamed up with wee yang jie kai and aaron. I really got close to them during this period of time. It was really fun too. (Remember shopping at NTUC with asupertight budget and having to carry a watermelon home haha, oh and the rubber duckys and funny hats at toys 'r us.) We fasted a lot during this time and prayed. (Oh yeah i've never experienced fasting before til i came here) I was also reading 'out of the saltshaker and into the world' in hopes of winning over daniel and sam once n for all. Ironic though. It seems i'm doing so so much for God but in essence i'm drifting away. I fasted a lot, but prayed little. hElped out in the BBQ but didn't seek God to be Lord over it. Dan and Sam came but it was the most awkward BBQ i've attended. It went okay, don't get me wrong. But God just wasn't there.

The year ended with a bang and i went for Temasek cAMP as well as went home. THings changed.

Throughout the year end holidays my bible was collecting dust. As i reached home, familiarity sank in and i just chameleoned into my surrounding. Back i was in my comfort zone. Went out with friends whom i'd missed and drifted away from God. DOn't get me wrong. My malaysian friends are the most fun bunch ever, i love them so much but they're just not sons or daughters of God. Yes i missed the worldly fun. Camp Temasek kinda added to that too. mY priorities shifted.

went for YC camp. it was okay. but nothing really changed.

things at home seemed the same as before it was just more comfortable to slip into the meiyan everyone knew a year ago. and it remained that way.

year 2006 started and i was back in church in Singapore again.

huizhen said we'd stop following up on Dan and Sam coz they simply weren't responding. We'd pray though.

People left church. New people came in. Relationships changed. School work crept back in. I faded out of church and cell group.

At that point God is only present in 10-15 minutes of my day each day. The bible sorta became obsolete and yep i was feeling dry. But there was new hope though. Ren xin was coming to church. For a while it felt as though she'd stay. Like God has really called her in for good.

Then one day she responded to altar call and apparently she was filled with tears of joy being touched by the Lord. That encouraged my faith and really charged me up again.

Next day though she confessed she's still not too sure. after all the emotional turmoil i asked huizhen what to do we told her its normal for a new christian to doubt. renxin said ok. but the doubt never stopped and she faded out of church.

though i never showed it, it broke my heart and spirit. The fire was put out. The flame is gone.

my quiet time with God wasn't even a daily thing anymore.

suddenly i've grown to be much closer to my classmates and hostelmates this yr. I joined lots of things in school, library, interhouse drama cheerleading etc. and there was BBAQ to train for. there just wasn't time.

huizhen called to tell me she wasn't happy that i was skipping service for kayaking course. i explained that it was compulsory and i didn't see what the big deal was. I haven't missed any service before and it was only once. I nodded and said i was sorry though. I was such a hypocrite. From then on i really felt what God meant when He said sacrifice.

Sacrifice was never meant to be easy. It seemed easy previously so I guess this was the point where God starts to mean business. I felt more and more restricted by church commitments and the christian group in school too. meanwhile i was feeling inferior coz of my underacheivement in almost everything at school as compared to others. I felt i needed to do more. i joined more and more stuff in school. true enough i was near the edge of burning out.

School became interesting in a worldly kinda way. I knew more n more ppl, got closer to my classmates, laughed more, gossiped more. I felt i needed to switch into a totally different personality when it came to the christian group in school and in church. i felt like a hypocrite. i was one actually. God was virtually out of my life by then.

Huizhen never stopped telling me i had to let go, let go, let go and do more for God. She knew i was burning out so she stopped me from giving bible study to Alex. I wasn't doing a good job anyway. I never really did what i taught her to do. Never really prepared for lessons also. Good thing i guess.

then after AQ n after cheerleading and everything it became peaceful again.

i started to reflect more. Aunty Linda asked me, along with a few others, to join the hostel Christian Fellowship planning committee. Another chance to be involved - in a CF sumore. I felt i needed to do something for God so i joined. Aunty Linda's discipleship style reminded me bout my old church back in Malaysia and reminded how CHC was lacking in bible discussion and it was just 'yes' 'i agree' without objections or any thought for that matter. Then i thought of leaving church. more people left. I was still hanging there though. Just went for service and bs and cg like normal but without any expectation in my heart. But God was slowly coming back into the picture. (You can't possibly lead a CF wihtout at least spending some times with God)

GODD!!! i cried.

one thing i realised. no hyped up praise n worship or spirit filled guest speaker or energetic session had any impact on my spiritual life anymore. it was really between me and God. Now if i don't pray i'm aware of it. problem was i slipped in and out. I was conscious of what was wrong but i did NOTHING!!

but i couldn't stand it no more. THese few weeks in the light of the mlutiplying of my cell group i was thinkkng again. God i need you. Badly. And i hope it stays that way. Hunger don't go. God come and satisfy but make me constantly more hungry than before. don't leave me my life's a void.